Monday, April 24, 2006

Your Baby's Daddy Is...

Maury Povich charged with sexual harassment
Thunder Without Rain is Like Tonic Without Vodka

This morning at 8:43 a.m. I heard my first thunder in New York City. It was wonderful. The first sound of nature trumping urban life. And no rain followed.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

The Cringe-O-Meter

Yes, as technology brings us closer together it also sadly tears us apart. The impact of being constantly connected and ever alone has left many a keypusher heartbroken and despondent, curled up in pj's watching "Contact" or drinking beer and prank calling public access television (now that's the ticket). Though there are so many people in the box they're looking at, there are none outside their door.

When in doubt, rely on magazine editors. The masters-of-lists are also the wrangler of hormones.

You'll always have the sage advice of how-to articles on issues as complex and hit-or-miss as love. In this example, the writer's use of the "Dave-O-Meter" as a measurement of date ideas is cringeworthy but oh so quirky. Me so lonely. Me so wone-ly, wone-ly, wone-ly.

Great Dating Ideas or How to Recycle the Same Article Countless Times a Year (Yahoo!)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Alfred Hitchcock and Steam

Gyms at 9:00 a.m. are interesting because every other schlub on a treadmill wonders if the other has a job. The equipment is available for use, the bass thump pumping throughout is not as overbearing, and the men's locker room is a few penises less populated. Mine in particular is filled with these gallavanting jaybirds, the guys who shoot you a quick glance when you're lathering up in the shower and who like to chat in the buff. Somewhere you find the strengh to push on.

The sauna this morning was still warming up so I opted for the tiled rival.

I entered the steam room and was greeted by hiss and mist and the figure of another person faintly visible through the fog. Gold-chain Italians in movies and business tycoons might talk in steam rooms and saunas, but I refrain, and not because it's considered strange or untoward, no far from that. I'm sitting in 140 degrees, my elbows on my knees, and I'm dripping with sweat and inhaling menthol-tinged damp air. It's just not conducive to discussion for me. I sit on the tile and the hiss begins anew.

I lean against the wall and close my eyes as heat envelopes me and think of my life and of words and of how I need to get better sleep, eat a bit better, renew my credit cards, mail resumes, upload my photos, and visit my grandmother in Jersey. She lives a bus ride away and is sleeping on the first floor now, can't make it up the stairs, we'll go get lunch, I say, and she says no, We'll eat cold cuts and talk about how she just doesn't get it anymore, these Koreans with the nail salon and the Russian lady she's paying to drive her to Shop-Rite. I asked her once why she has never told me she loved me and she said they didn't do that in Germany. We have the same face.

The heat becomes too much. I lift my head up off the wall and open my eyes. There before me stands a squatty silhouette, like Alfred Hitchcock's, except he's butt naked and locked like a guard with a fuzzy hat. Just standing there, in a state of naked Zen, his chest expanding wide. Al doesn't stay for the mist to clear and leaves as a shadow figure. I tell the guy sitting next to me that it was an awkward thing to see after snapping out of a daydream.

"Yep," he said. "That kind of shit can be pretty shocking."

Monday, April 10, 2006

And to think that my birth was protected by a drunken security guard named Merle...

Lions to protect pregnant [Angelina] Jolie's privacy: paper (Reuters)